Life's been a little nutty lately to say the least. Work is both awesome and crazy right now. We are getting quite busy moving toward our next production and attempting to develop at least 3 - 4 others at the same time. It is great as it challenges my abilities to stay on top of it all along with the regular running-abouts of being an assistant. I'm also attempting to develop some projects with friends in my "spare time." Along with all of that is the rest of my personal life, like having just moved closer to work and church and my wonderful girlfriend, learning how to be a better boyfriend and move forward in our relationship, friends struggling with their broken hearts and acting like fools, unexpected and expensive bills, and learning to come to God again and again. I am writing this all out not to bore you with the business of what is probably not untypical in the life of a twenty-something year old man, but more to bring you to understand that my being a little anxious and stressed as of late makes a little since. All of this brought me to a new revelation a few days ago, one that is so simple and yet completely profound for me.
I was praying at the time. Not like on your knees, head to the ground and deeply focused praying, but the kind of prayer that you do when you're paused for a moment in the business of life and you just need to talk to someone... so you pray.
ADHD SIDE NOTE #1: I've always struggled, if not battled with TIME (not the magazine). One of my favorite poems is T.S. Eliot's "The Hollow Men". On of my favorite Toad The Wet Sprocket songs is "Whatever I Fear". One of my favorite C.S. Lewis quotes deals directly with time: "For the Present is the point at which time touches eternity." ("The Screwtape Letters") I have always been in awe at the concept of an omniscient God who works within time with half-finite beings, allowing us some form of will and yet He Himself is not, so to speak, bound by either. I love those confusing, seemingly contradictory conundrums about God.
Anyway, back to where I was a few days ago...
Praying. I was praying to God in that way that you talk to a friend when you aren't looking for anything more than to just be open and honest and attempt to let go of some of the weight on your heart.
ADHD SIDE NOTE #2: For a long time I've felt prayer as both a burden and a blessing. The former is my focus and it came in two ways. First, it was shame for having not prayed recently or consistently enough. Secondly, it became a burden of time where I would depress myself by thinking I had to pray for everything, every-time, all at once. I would be thinking or praying about myself, then my girlfriend, a family member, my whole family, work, friends at work, friends at church, the Church, the community, the city, the state, etc. (you see where I'm going with this). It wasn't actually every-time and it definitely wasn't always that extreme. Nonetheless, I would over think and stress and/or depress myself away from praying (the complete opposite reaction that I should have had (Phil. 4:4-9)).
So I was praying...
I was telling God what's going on and that I need some serious help and some serious peace and freedom from my stress when He suddenly and immediately gave it to me (I wish I wasn't so surprised by that anymore):
"You don't have to pray for everything on your mind all at once Dan. I know you. I know your heart. I know what you need and I know what everyone else needs. I am a good God and I am a great God and I will provide. Let it go." (It wasn't actually audible and there weren't any burning bushes, but it was as clear to me as sunlight.)
So that's it. That's the simple point of this rather wordy, drawn-out blog entry.
In that one simple moment I realized it is okay to prioritize my prayers.
It's okay if I don't pray about everything for everyone, every single time I pray. It's okay if I even forget things. It's okay because God doesn't forget things. It's okay because God isn't bound by time like me and He's the one I'm offering these petitions and prayers to and He's the one who is sovereign over all Creation. And that is okay because He is the Author of Love and Grace and He loves to remind us of that by showing it.
I've always known that prayer needs to be a priority, but by a slight shift of word placement my prayer life changed drastically and for the best.
~Thank God for His kind patience with us, both in waiting on our repentance and even more so in kindly waiting on revealing to us what we need to repent from. May He bless you this week as you learn to let go of yourself into His kind and strong hands.~
